Have you ever felt depressed. Almost everyone has felt down from time to time and sad, but have you ever experienced deep depression where you thought it would be easier to give up then keep going? Some symptoms might be:
- Hating yourself, even seeing your reflection in the mirror disappoints you,
- Uncontrolled anger over the simplest things
- Paranoid, thinking that people are talking about you or out to get you
- Feeling as you never fit in
- Inability to forgive
- Sudden bouts of sadness
- Tired all of the time and lazy
- Always wanting something to make you happy
- Blaming others for your misfortune
- Thinking life is more of a burden then blessing
There are many others but these were the ones that plagued me most of my life. All of my life I never seemed to fit in and was afraid most of the time. At the age of nineteen I was diagnosed as having seizure disorder. This is similar to epilepsy but not as severe. I would have fits and throw myself to the floor unable to control my movements. As the years went by I was diagnosed as manic depressive, chemical imbalance, and bi polar disorder. I was institutionalized seven times, at one point taking 24 pills a day, given electro shock therapy and attempted to take my life six different times. I tried everything this world offered for my problem and nothing worked.
The last time I tried to end my life was in 1998 at a beach in La Jolla, where I fell in love with California. I’m originally from Ohio and when I went to visit I thought to myself no wonder I’m depressed I don’t live here. That’s another symptom of depression we always are on the look out for something that will make us happy, without looking within. I sat on a rock looking over the beautiful ocean. I didn’t feel nervous, and in a way was glad that I would never have to worry about anything again. As I sat there, I listened to the sounds the waves made crashing over the rocks. I took my candy box out of my pocket filled with a strong anti depressant, and opened it. I looked over the ocean, and for the first time in my life I decided to talk to God. I said, “God I understand that I don’t deserve to be in heaven for what I’m about to do, but I don’t believe I belong in hell either. I’ve been a good person, there isn’t anyone that could say I did anything terrible to them. I never was unfaithful to my wife and I treated my parents with respect. I loved my children and have tried to take care of their needs and raise them right. I know I haven’t gone to church much and I understand that I don’t deserve to go to heaven. I could also understand why you wouldn’t want me there. How about we just end it here? Let me just go to sleep and never wake up and it will be as if I was never here. It would have been better if I wasn’t here anyway. What do you say? Is it a deal?” I waited a moment almost expecting a response. Do you believe that the first time I decided to talk to God I told him He messed up? In reality I was saying, you made a mistake, you made me (have you ever been there?). You did okay with the earth, ocean, mountains and the universe in general, but when you made me you messed up.”
This web site is for those that feel there is no way out and that their life has no meaning or purpose. The one thing I can assure you of is that you are not a mistake and was created perfectly.
When it was obvious God wasn’t going to answer me I took the pills then sat there and asked God for another favor, “Please God, I don’t mind dying just don’t let it hurt.” I had ignored God all my life, now I started asking for favors. I sat there wondering what was going to happen, wondering if the medication was ever going to take effect, then all of a sudden things started to spin. I felt a wrenching in my stomach and it took everything for me not to throw-up. I started to feel this horrible pain in my head. I yelled, “I asked for no pain,” as if I had really made a deal. I started to shake uncontrollably and it felt as if my heart was going to explode. My heart was beating so heavy I could feel the beat in my hands and feet. The pressure in my head was so severe I thought my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. I pleaded to God, “Please don’t let it hurt anymore make it stop.” By now everything on the beach appeared to be moving and then it became dark and it appeared my prayer was answered.
I took enough medication to kill at least three people. I took the pills around nine thirty that morning and went into a coma. I sat on that rock looking up into the sky until six o’clock that evening. Someone walking on the beach saw me fall off the rock into the sand. My face was burnt and peeling from the sun. My arms with my palms pointing up were laying on my legs as if I was presenting a gift to someone. You could see the outline of my arms on my sunburned legs and how my arms were burned. All day long I must have followed the sun because as burned as my face was the top of my head was barely red at all. The person who found me then called the police.
I was taken to the hospital where my family was called in and told they were not sure if I was going to make it. If I did survive I might have severe liver problems and they were not sure how much brain damage was caused. I was in a coma for several days and awoke with no side effects. Though no one is really sure how much brain damage I have, family and friends wondered about that before the overdose.
When I woke up my mind wasn’t clear and I was confused on what had happened. Then it came to me and I couldn’t believe I was still alive. Why would God do this to me? There are people all over the earth dying that would give anything to stay alive and all I wanted was to die. I looked at my family and saw my daughter whose eyes were swollen from crying so much. Everything in my life has been about me. I made as if I thought about my family when I decided to commit suicide, but in reality it was the easy way out for me. I thought for sure I wasn’t going to be here. I wasn’t prepared and wasn’t sure what I was feeling. I hurt all the people I loved and I didn’t know what to say to make the hurt go away. I couldn’t even say I would never do that again, even to comfort them in that moment.
God sometimes waits until we have messed up our lives so bad, and we are in the absolute worst situation we have ever been in, to come and pull us out. You see for some of us, that’s the only time we are willing to let God work in our lives, when we finally have messed things up so bad we give up. That’s what was happening to me.
This web site is for those that feel there is no way out and that their life has no meaning or purpose. The one thing I can assure you of is that you are not a mistake and was created perfectly.
